The only most important element in your relationship

Do you really feel you heard by your partner? Is your partner really there for you?

Sincere listening to understanding and empathy is the key to a lasting, loving and satisfying relationship.

If you only focus on one thing, let him listen; - but I'm talking about real and honest listening - not pretending to listen to many of us. You know what I mean: I took a look at your face saying that I listen; you may hint occasionally, but your mind is a million miles away.

Or maybe you're the type of "listen to respond", where you listen enough to gather evidence to refute you - so you can use your partners' ideas as ammunition against them?

Our relationships are built on the foundation of love and trust. We all want to know that our partner really cares about us, so when we express ourselves, we are important enough to them because they take the time and effort to understand what we want to share.

This feeling that our partner "gets us" deeply affects us in our essence. This sense of understanding creates deposits in our love bank more than most other things our partner can do. Trust flowers when we hear and understand.

During my 25 years as a psychiatrist in relationships, every couple I saw struggling in their relationship had fundamental problems listening to each other.

So, what are the 5 basics of real listening?

Be curious about your partner - enter their world

First, she intends to corner your thoughts and feelings for a moment, and travel to the other person's world curiously for what they think and feel.

It's important to set aside your thoughts and feelings, so you can live as much as possible in your partner's world, for just a few minutes. As they talk, imagine being themselves, imagine how you would feel living in their shoes; what do you worry about, sad, happy?

Reverse them to what I heard and understood

Once you are told what is important to them, tell them a quick summary of what you heard them say. This may seem fascinated and unnecessary if you have never done so, but it makes a big difference whether your partner feels you are “getting it” or at least trying to get it. They'll let you know if you've got it completely, or if there's something you don't fully understand.

Ask if there is more

Here again, have a great impact on your partner for you to ask what else might be in their mind. By doing so, you show that you care about you and that you don't just neglect them. Often when we are asked, we will feel that we have been given permission to provide further clarification, which may help you understand the background of what is happening. Listen to what is on their mind, and reflect what you have heard, keeping your thoughts and feelings on the side.

Tell the Truth

Now that you have heard your partner in full, you have a chance to talk about what happened to you, or about your opinion on the subject or situation.

Now you will have your partner's full attention.

I can't emphasize enough the difference that makes you hear a full voice, too, if you've listened to your partner first.

Many couples stumble into a mutual blackout dance when it comes to listening. "Well, if you won't listen to me, you don't think I'll listen to you !!!!" It ends up not listening, rather than listening.

Talk now, let your partner listen to the same care and attention you used with them, reflect what you heard, and make sure to clarify anything that needs clarification, the same way you did for them.

Discuss the views and come up with a solution

Now that you have heard the views or thoughts and feelings about the situation, discuss from an equal and respectful place what may be some solutions to this problem. Sometimes no solution is required; just listening to and hearing is all that is needed.

If a solution is needed, and you can't find a solution right away, agree to spend a day or so to consider everything, and come back to talking about it soon. Often, new creative possibilities can emerge once you are aware of both your views, and you will have time to think about solutions.

There will always be differences of opinion, thoughts and feelings between spouses, but how you manage is critical to your long-term happiness and satisfaction in your relationship. Take your time and your eagerness to listen fully, and you'll get a rich reward.

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