Marriage without sex and what it does if it happens to you
Marriage without sex and what it does if it happens to you
There is a marriage without sex. Then there is
"marriage without sex" - where the couple may have sex only several
times a year. Or as one patient to me, he called an insurance executive -
"every three months."
If sex on a quarterly basis seems enough for you, that's
good. But in my experience, most couples who have sexual or almost unmarried
marriages see it as a problem and wish things otherwise.
Sexless marriage is one of the most common causes for
couples receiving sexual treatment. It has been said that sex is 20% of
marriage when things go well, but 90% when it doesn't.
Insufficient feelings are common. So are feelings of shame -
especially if you assume that all the other couples you know live a wonderful
sex life.
But the truth is that marriage without sex or almost without
sex is very common. Conservatives estimate the prevalence of the disease at 15%
of American couples. So, there are at least some friends and neighbors in the
same boat.
What causes marriage without sex?
There are many different stories like couples. But here are
some of the kinds of stories we hear a lot:
1. Bad sex
If one or both of you don't enjoy your sex, it's no surprise
that you don't want to. As I discussed in my article, the one-sex advice you
need for a long-term relationship, some couples lack basic knowledge of how
sexual feelings work.
Any of the alleged "sexual dysfunctions"
(vaginismus, penetration pain, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation,
etc.) can make you feel bad about yourself as a couple. Feeling upset yourself
is not exactly aphrodisiac for most people.
2. Bad feelings
Sometimes the reason has nothing to do with sex. If you love
most people, what you feel about yourself as a person is directly related to
how well you can enjoy yourself in bed. In the words of one of my favorite sex
writers, Julia Heymann, "Sex is often a non-verbal expression of what is
avoided or inaccessible verbally, such as marital unhappiness, a power
struggle, an emotional vacuum, an existential anxiety or loss."
You'll be surprised at how many couples expect to have sex
even though they hate each other. Many other couples suffer from unresolved
sadness or trauma, or other life difficulties that drain their sexual
relationship. To add another development, marriage without sex itself can be a
powerful source of emotional unhappiness.
3. Loss of desire
Sometimes one or both partners may completely lose sexual
desire, even when sex is reasonably good. This seems to be more common in
women. The reasons for the loss of desire are endless. Biological,
psychological and social factors are commonly used.
Loss of desire can be universal - nothing makes you feel
sexual interest anymore. But sometimes it's just a loss of desire for your
colleague. Some wives in non-sexual marriages continue to masturbate, others do
not. But almost all couples in sexual marriages masturbate in private.
Enter the Westermarck effect
Regardless of whether your marriage without sex is the
result of bad sex, emotional unhappiness, or loss of desire, there is something
specific that happens in almost every case in every marriage without sex or
quasi-sexual, making the situation more likely to survive. Psychologists call
it the "Westermarck Effect" - for Finnish sociologist Edvard
Westermarck, who pointed out that people brought up together as siblings do not
see each other as potential sex partners.
After Westermarck, most researchers today assume a basic
biological mechanism at work here. If you live with someone for a long period
of time and have not had sex together, you will start to feel brothers and
sisters for each other.
That's exactly what happens to people in sexual marriages.
They finally began to feel like siblings. Incest starts in incest by mistake,
and once this happens, sex can begin to feel very embarrassed.
For this reason, as a sex journalist, I advise couples in
non-sexual marriages to take action as soon as possible, and not wait months or
years to do something about it. When a couple in a marriage without sex begins
to take steps to reverse this process, I tell them to expect that the first few
times will be embarrassed. This is normal - Westermarck effect in action.
So what is a sexless couple doing?
For most couples, The Westermarck Effect imposes that you
can't jump in bed together and expect good sex immediately. In addition to
knowing in advance that things may be embarrassing at first, I usually
recommend couples to start spending time coexisting again.
Our therapists of sex have a long tradition of recommending
"warming up" for couples - from the "sensory focus" of
Master and Johnson to the "vigilance" of this decade. The
relationship shows you all of these techniques.
What I usually recommend to non-sex couples in my office is
something a bit different - a technique I developed myself, which I discussed
in Chapters 6 and 15 of Love Worth Making. I call it "Step 2".
Here's how it works:
The first step
The first step is basically practicing mindfulness. Spending
time in bed doing nothing together. Most couples prefer to be naked, but they
do what makes you feel more comfortable.
If you like, you can talk about everything in your mind -
good, bad or indifferent. Nothing at all. It doesn't have to be exciting. But
keep it simple. No big discussions.
When you feel you have spoken as much as you want or want
to, find out if you can give yourself permission to live together quietly, and
do nothing.
This may not feel sensational at first. this is good.
Sometimes you may just need some time to calm down a bit. But in time these
calm can be the soil from which the excitement grows.
The key to the first step is that your only goal in the
beginning is to do nothing at all. We often disappear in our emotions so that
we ignore the simple elements of the experience - our breathing, our body's
feeling against the mattress, the temperature in the room.
The second step
At some point during the first step, you may notice feelings
of excitement. Not only hardness or wetness. I mean authentic psychological
excitement - that hypnotic, dumb and happy feeling that makes you resent if the
phone rang.
If this happens, just enjoy it. Excitement is not all or
nothing. Sometimes it can be somewhat hidden - something special, internal.
take your time. Just focus on the excitement experience the
moment of excitement.
If you like most people living in pairs without sex, it will
feel embarrassed at first.
Just notice the embarrassing sensation, without getting
involved.
Sometimes, critical feelings will pass like this, if you are
not emotionally involved.
The key to the second step is to experience the excitement
for its own benefit, without feeling like you should do anything about it. Many
couples assume that every time they get excited, they have to put it out by
orgasm - as if the excitement was annoying or unpleasant.
Instead, think of excitement as something warm and
nutritious. If you love most people living in unmarried marriages, you want to
let this warm feeling a bit persist, before you act on it completely.
If you want to have sex, be sure to continue.
But here's the thing:
What heals the relationship in the end is not usually sex.
Often, the time you spend in bed is just being at the moment, and you do
nothing at all.
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